What do you say after hello?

How effectively do we interact with others? How easy are we to deal with? And how do we handle the “difficult people” we encounter? Do you find some people easier to communicate with than others? Do you feel on the same wave length with some, but feel that with certain other people the wires often seem to be crossed?

Eric Berne was a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst who became widely known with the publication of his best selling book Games People Play in 1964. Berne managed to take highly complex psychological concepts and make them accessible to a large non-professional readership. His last book, published the year after he died, had the marvellously simple yet incredibly thoughtful title: What do you say after you say Hello?  In other words, how do we interact with one another; what is our stance towards each other?

Berne’s theory is that when we interact with other people we do so in one of three specific ways or patterns. He calls these three patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving “ego states”. And he names them your Parent, your Adult and your Child. So, when you are in your Parent pattern of dealing with others you tend to think, feel and act just like one of your parents. If you are behaving, thinking and feeling in response to what is going on around you here and now, and using all the resources available to you as a grown up person, then you are in your Adult ego state. If you behave, think and feel like you did when you were 3, 4 or 5 then you will be acting out of your Child ego state.

First insight: it is the inappropriate use of the three ego states that screws up communication. Sometimes it is appropriate to act like a Parent. When you are chairing a fairly rowdy and disorderly meeting, you will need to take charge and act with authority in laying down the rules of conduct at the meeting. On the other hand, if you regularly behave in a bossy, authoritarian and finger wagging manner with other adults this will be a very inappropriate use of your Parent ego state. And it will cause you grief because other bossy parental types will fight with you. Also, people who regularly operate out of their Adult ego states will calmly reject your bossy attitude and suggestions with logical reasoning.

Second insight: if a group is all operating out of the same ego state, their communication can be clear. For example many tea parties are enjoyed by the participants because they are all communicating like a group of parents. They tend to criticise those who are not present, and point their fingers and vent their indignation on outsiders who do not conform to their particular view of life. I call these types of gatherings “isn’t it awful” meetings. “Isn’t it awful how young people behave these days etc. etc.” Most of us at some stage will have been part of an “isn’t it awful” meeting, and thoroughly enjoyed it!

Or you may find a group of friends operating out of their Child ego states. This can be fun, because our Child ego state harks back to a time when we were free of all the restrictions, rules and regulations that parents imposed. A guy “bull session”, or a girl “hen party”, well lubricated by inhibition-lowering glasses of fermented grape or grain can be a raucous evening of fun because everyone present is behaving like kids.  

Then a meeting called to solve the problem of flood damage and what to do about it, could also be an enjoyable one with clear communication if all present operate out of their Adult ego states. When you are all focused on solving an important problem calmly and logically the meeting can be enormously satisfying.  

Third insight: crossed communication usually doesn’t work. By this Berne means that if I address your Child from my Parent ego state and you don’t respond as a Child then the communication is crossed. For example, I may say to you (scowling, pointing and with a bossy voice): “You really should clear all that garden refuse from your pavement. It lowers the tone of the whole street!” Now if you respond from your Child (timid voice): “Gee, sorry about that. I’ll try to get rid of it this afternoon” then you have responded from the ego state I addressed (your Child) and the communication has worked. (Obviously, you will need to ask yourself if you were really happy with that interaction!)

But what if you respond to my bossy rudeness with your Parent? You would probably tell me where to get off in no uncertain terms, resulting in a failed communication – I was expecting you to respond meekly to my bossiness and instead you start yelling at me. Probably the best way to deal with bossy, rude “Parents” is to deal with them out of your Adult: cool, calm and rational as you decline to do what they are instructing! It will result in a crossed communication, but that’s OK because you don’t want them to succeed in hooking a Child response to their Parent bluster!

Perhaps we all need to think a bit about what we say after we say hello…