The importance of those few vital friends

Philosophers have had different views on the essentials of real friendship. Aristotle took the view that friendship is personal and mutual: “friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies!” So for Aristotle friendship is a fairly exclusive relationship between two people. He helps us understand what he means by true friendship by highlighting two forms of friendship which he regards as shallow impostors.

First, he rejects friendship based on the reciprocation of pleasure – when the pleasure palls the friendship dissolves.  Similarly the second shallow imitation of real friendship is one based on usefulness – when the other party is no longer useful s/he gets dropped.

Soren Kierkegaard rejected Aristotle’s view on the Christian ground that people should love all their neighbours, which cuts out friendships that exclude any neighbours. A.C. Grayling, a great 21^st Century philosopher, contends that the two views need not be inconsistent. You can nourish benevolent feelings towards humanity in general, and work for its good, while at the same time enjoying deep friendships with one or a few others.

Against this philosophical background it is fascinating to discover that the importance of friendships to our lives has been studied quite recently by Tom Rath who heads up research at The Gallup Organisation. Gallup Press published a book by Rath on this research: Vital Friends. Here are some of the insights.

First insight: friendship is better than Prozac! Research from numerous scientific studies highlights that people who have a few deep friendships thrive better than those who don’t. Lonely people suffer psychologically and physically. The absence of deep, vital friendships impacts negatively on our health, our spirits, our productivity and our longevity!

Second insight: friendship is the silver lining in a marriage!  According to philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages”. And Tom Rath’s Gallup research indicates that the quality of a couple’s friendship could account for as much as 70% of overall marital satisfaction. So in answer to the question: “What drives marital satisfaction, sex or friendship?” the quality of a couple’s friendship is five times as important as physical intimacy. (Hey, I’m only reporting what the research shows…)

Third insight: no one best friend can be all things to your friendship needs. People are different. Even if your husband or wife or partner is genuinely your best friend, Tom Rath suggests that you probably need at least two more Vital Friends in order to be fully engaged and energised by your key relationships. Rath reckons that in friendships, because we are all different, we usually give different things than we receive. He proposes that there are at least eight vital roles that we and our special friends play and that no single friend is capable of playing all eight roles. So, it is unfair to expect that you or your best friends can be “everything” to each other.

Fourth insight: focus on the positive roles that people play in your life and on what roles you play for them. No one person can be a “fun buddy”, a “mind opener”, a “network connector”, a “lifelong companion”, a “fellow crusader” and so on. So, Rath’s advice is: don’t be hard on yourself or your friends when none of you can be all things to all people. Focus on the great role that your fun buddy plays in lightening up your life and don’t expect him/her to necessarily be the fellow crusader who shares your deepest values and will work passionately alongside you in your favourite organisation.

Tom Rath’s parting thoughts are that, on reflection, he realised that throughout his life he had taken his closest relationships for granted. He had several malnourished friendships; they were by no means starved, but he had spent very little time consciously improving his best friendships. When he realised this he took concerted action to remedy the situation and his life took a dramatic upward turn.

In a sense we are who we eat with. Grayling writes: “friendships need tending and nothing replaces time together, in circumstances where other pressures are lifted so that the gates of communication can spring open, allowing free trade to pass between” Cheers!